Like most gay teenagers, I spent a lot of time watching E! Entertainment’s coverage of the various awards shows. The beautiful women in their stunning couture working the red carpet with their delicious men in tow was just way too mesmerizing to turn away. I could just picture myself standing next to the hunky George Clooney in a luxurious Versace dress. Unfortunately life didn’t pan out that way for me; however, there are still so many times when I find myself glued to the television inhaling all of the glitz and glamour I possibly can.

From my time as a teenager until now, clothing styles have changed, a whole new generation of celebrities are now working the red carpet, and the amount of coverage given to these star-studded events has increased dramatically. Now, even with all these changes, there is one part of every red carpet that just hasn’t changed – the ever-witty banter of the fabulous Joan Rivers.

For years, Joan Rivers has worked some of the most prestigious red carpet events in the country, and has even obtained a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame because of her ties to the industry. Joan Rivers is truly an entertainment powerhouse. Beyond working the red carpet, she is also a highly recognized comedic legend, best-selling author, Tony-nominated actress, playwright, screenwriter, motion picture director, columnist, lecturer, syndicated radio host, an Emmy Award-winning television talk-show host, and jewelry designer. Needless to say, she is, and has been, one of the busiest women in the biz.   

On Wednesday, November 11th, the comedic legend will grace the stage of the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts for a one-night only stand up comedy show. I was so excited about Joan Rivers’ arrival; I couldn’t resist an opportunity to interview her for this week’s issue.

Joan Rivers filled me in on some of her most scandalous experiences while working the red carpet, as well as what to expect during her show this Wednesday.

Check it out for yourself.

What are you looking forward the most during your stay in Miami?

Meeting a rich, single old guy preferably with a cough and a nurse. The nurse tells you that he’s rich and the cough tells you that he doesn’t have much longer to live.

You are known for your off-the-cuff comments on the red carpet. Which celebrities have taken it well and which ones have taken it the worst?

The ones that get it’s a joke are the big stars. Stars like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts totally get that it is funny. The ones that have a hard time with it are the ones that are new to stardom and are still insecure. If you’re the fifth out of five housewives, if you’re the fourth down on a show that no one can even find on cable, or if you’ve just won a reality show and you really think you’re a singer… those are the ones who can’t handle it.

Is there anyone in particular that has shocked you with a comeback?

A comeback? No. Behavior on the red carpet is very indicative of what people are truly like. Nicole Kidman is never too busy to stop. Kelly Clarkson is much too important to stop. You’re not even allowed to speak to her backstage. My god, you’re in the presence of greatness! Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are just adorable. Meryl Streep is another one that is just incredible. Those stars are great, because they are very comfortable with who they are.

When you are working the red carpet, you are literally surrounded by millions of dollars worth of jewelry and couture. How do you not get wrapped up in the glamour of it all?

Well I wish I had a gun with all that jewelry running around. First of all, when you’re backstage, you see how hard it is to get the glitz and the glamour. After a while, you just become immune to it. They are all gorgeous. They are all rail thin. They are all extraordinary. After a while, everyone is beautiful. In a land where everyone is beautiful, you don’t even notice it anymore. Eventually you truly look for saggy arms and welcome droopy boobs.

What can people expect during your show at the Arsht Center?

The usual. Pretty much whatever is annoying me at the moment. This whole Michael Jackson, “isn’t he wonderful resurgence,” is getting me crazy, because the man was a pedophile. And speaking of pedophiles, Roman Polanski is just that. We also have to discuss Angelina Jolie trying to get Melissa to adopt this horrible child. We are going to be talking about everything. My new best friend Helen Keller and her living with a one legged man. A lot of it will be me bitching about my life.

Over the years, you have built quite a gay following. How do you feel about that?

Yes. Thank god, thank god, thank god for the gays, and they all better fucking well be there when I hit the stage. Gay men in the front row make a good show.

Why is that?

I don’t really know why, but I think they are more aware of what’s going on. They have their antenna out. They really laugh and enjoy the more outrageous things. I think they just have a really great sensibility.


How do you feel about what’s going on in terms of gay marriage?

I am totally against gay marriage… totally against it, because I am not going to send gifts. All my friends are gay, and I will be damned if everyone is going to get a gift from me. Screw it! I liked it better when they didn’t get married. It saves a lot of money, and I am a very selfish person.

What’s in the future for Joan Rivers?

Oh my goodness. I have a reality show coming out that I can’t talk about. I’ll be back on the red carpet this year. How’d You Get So Rich is being picked up, which is another show I am doing. I am going over to England and Australia to do a tour. I am always busy, thank god. I love my work. I am one of those people where my work is my joy. I am thrilled by what I do, because it really is my life and my social life.

What advice do you have for someone trying to make it in this business?

If you don’t want it with your whole heart and soul, get out! Get out! It will absolutely consume you, because this business is 24-hours a day. If you are trying to make it work anyway you can, don’t worry about the money. Don’t worry about anything. Go through any door that opens. Don’t ever say, “I don’t do that.” How will you know until you try it?

Anything else you want Wire Magazine readers to know?

Yes! I will be wearing a snazzy outfit, and I will accept offerings from fans.